I am so upset right now. The core issue here is that I feel affirmed in the harmful belief that I do not deserve rest.
I was so proud yesterday for finishing a final paper on time that I celebrated! I celebrated myself because that has been a major hurdle for my anxiety and professional confidence. I have had a hellacious time wrangling my emotions, my schedule and my mental faculties to meet all of the needs around me. I have a professional and personal reputation of being late on everything and asking for forgiveness.
I did what I had to do for 285. I committed to submit papers on time this semester, to practice my lessons learned from the first year. I prepared appropriately, but ended up with legit all-nighter. I stayed up Monday and had positive energy that carried me. I finished the draft before my meetings began at 10am and I spent 3 hours after noon perfecting it. I did more rounds of edits on a paper than I ever had in school! I made it so that I would impress my only 2 Black professors. I hit send 2 hours before the deadline on CLE. I sat for hours just processing. I ate an expensive meal, talked on the phone to loved ones, smoked and watched Ballers while winding down. I had energy to do more work, but I rewarded myself with rest. I wanted to give my spirit time to process a win… for once.
I get up this morning to look on CLE and revel in my first on-time submission. I immediately saw my fuck up. CLE has a two-step/button process for submissions and I only hit one. My paper was late. I cried and I am still crying an hour later. I told at least 10 people that I made it, yesterday. I told them that was growing and doing better. They were happy for me.
I lied. I am not doing better. I have an issue being thorough and following through. I worked so hard to accomplish this task, spent weeks of mental energy to manifest, celebrated a win, then had the reward stripped from me because of my own stupidity...its the worst. I am tired of crying and trying so hard.
The journaling I did, the affirmations and positive feelings from meeting the goal…. futile.
I feel inadequate in my professional roles and incapable to function as an adult. No one else I know is a dumbass like me on submissions. I work hard on my professional skills and shadow-self so that I can improve. The worst part is that my mindset shift work from yesterday is truly undercut. I did not do better, it was a falsehood that I believed. I am disappointed and embarrassed at my inability to follow through on small tasks. I feel like I did not deserve the sleep I got last night. I am in flux every day, and no one really cares but me.
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