HIVE Leadership Development Program

The "Fire Walk" was the culminating end to the HIVE program. I wrote from my heart, and my sisters celebrated with me on the other side of the coals.

The second cohort of HIVE Reproductive Justice Leadership Development Program ended last month. It is created by CompassPoint in Oakland, CA, and funded by the Packard Foundation to invest in Reproductive Justice leaders in Louisiana. HIVE changed me. I was so encouraged and inspired by this group's graduation, that I wanted to share my closing remarks from our first cohort's graduation. The: prompt is:

"Where were you 10 years ago, and where do you see yourself in the next 10?"

Ten years ago, I had already been accepted to college and was about to embark on my best summer ever. Summer 2008. 3 of my best friends and I- The Babe Squad- all graduated and planned a cruise. Allbeit, the cruise was with Whitley's family, who has gone on two family cruises a year since 1987. It was still a celebration and MY first cruise, Carnival to Mexico. I was so excited. My first flight, first big trip and first international experience, as I transitioned from a highly decorated high school busybody to an even more busy sociology student. I wanted clinical experience. I thought I was going the science route. Lots of labs, but moved into the social sciences.

Today, in 2018, I am ending a major fellowship in 8-9 business days. I have to move out of my apartment by then. I am looking forward to starting a new full time job ASAP because NBEC isn't solvent today. A full time job where I negotiate for my needs and set very clear boundaries. I am looking forward to making deliberate choices that will put me on a schedule where I can sleep, take care of my health and do the things I love to do.

When this fellowship ends, I will be going on a 5 day vacation to Barbados to act an entire fool. You may feel the earth shake under Louisiana when my feet hit the beach. I'll ground like a cartoon superhero when they slam down into their fighting stance and look up with that "I'm going to fuck everything up" face. Then I will visit my family for a month or more. I have to recalibrate and when I start that new job, I'll create a schedule where I can feel like a human instead of a janky robot. This is a poem I wrote in the middle of a long night.

I have worked myself into a tizzy. I don't know up from down

Every hour I am awake, I feel like I am serving one master or another

Sunday's all-nighter was for LBP

Last night's attempt was for transcribing a focus group for NBEC

There's a page of dsdsdsddddddddddssssssssssdddddddddddddddd

from when my forehead rested on the keyboard

I am trying to desensitize myself with marijuana cause its more convenient than trying to convince a doctor to prescribe anxiety meds

I don't want drugs

I just got fully unmedicated, feeling all of my natural hormonal rhythms without birth control for the first time since...................

6am in the car, headed back to the office I hate

whose florescent lighting triggers some sorrowful place in me

In the parking lot, I'm texting my other boss

negotiating the deadlines she gave me

It took me a while to get here

To say no, to be more realistic, to be honest about when I can deliver

I could breathe. I realized that I won't have to bust my ass for the fiftyleventh consecutive day

Busting my ass so hard, I don't have an appetite for my Costco prepped efficiency minded meals I've made

As I inhaled for the first time that morning, I remembered I was going too hard

I already accepted the fact that July was going to be a grind

July will suck. This morning sucks

August August August

It was one of those mornings where I'm waking up

and instead of thanking Dod for keeping me and blessing me to open my eyes, today

I scream cussing so loud that the neighbor is

probably wondering what kind of Tourette's syndrome I have.

Not breathing is not good, Carmen

I'm thinking of my allostatic load

I'm thinking about my unborn children

I am going too hard.

Was I having a panic attack? Is that what you call those?

A type of psychic choking

If I could just get to HIVE.

Those times where I couldn't breathe, HIVE was drawing near.

That "If I can just make it to Sunday..." feeling

where you are restored and you get that fellowship that you need

The holiness I felt when I was a teen Jesus freak

Today, I feel holy

This sisterhood is my fellowship

I'm on the mothership of relationship building.

I want to give you your flowers

Each of you taught me something. I am a better person

There are times in our exercises, workshops and side conversations

where I've said "we are literally the same person"

You all taught me that I am a leader, right now. That I have something to say

You tell me I'm engaging, when I'm just talking

I want to own my presence

When I'm at these meetings and the fancy people are listening to me,

they hold my gaze and chat like I know them

I hope I engage them

because there is too much work to be done

there are too many ways we can genuinely connect

too many purse strings to pull

I don't know where I will be in 10 years

I will probably look better and sound better

but I will also feel better. I know I can feel better

I wont be the mess I feel I am today

I am choosing my way. I know I can flourish and do this heavy work

I covet people who are doing what they love, with joy

I don't mind an all nighter done in joy! Those are the fun ones!

I see that in some of you, but I see balance in you

August August August

I can feel it

In 10 years, I will be the type of leader who gets it done with a genuine love and joy

I don't need to be in the forefront,

but I will influence who is.

Spirit is telling me that my purpose is to serve Black families

As I create that thing, my own special mix,

I'll open a floodgate of connection

and everybody is getting wet.

I want to be the leader who unlocks resources for us

and for community and for Black families

Where we wont operate in scarcity

in reproductive health rights and justice.

I want that time and space to work in love.

I will have it.

*Deep breath*

I've finally caught my breath. I am no longer drowning in my own cortisol bath. almost like the breathing lifted my mood, or maybe it was thinking of my HIVE sisters....

I get a text

"For the interviews, let me know how much it is to get a transcription service. Or get a student, whatever easiest. You don't have to waste your time doing that anymore. You are the thought leader writing the report."